R.I.O.T.

See, like, innit, whatcha gotta know is I is deprived, innit. only got me a Blackberry & iPhone & 54" Samsung HD ready flatscreen & Bling watch & 8 gold chains & diamond earrings & 17 Nike trainers & 20 designer hoodies.
I is deprived!
I got noffink!
Wot da pigs did, right, see, innit, ain't right, innit.
Day gotta pay.
Bashing in shop windows & grabbing dem stuff & is how I make dem pay, right?
Respect.

KFC is safe.

Greece is the Word

[sung to the tune of 'You're The One That I Want' from the movie Grease]

I've got bills....
They're multiplying...
And I'm losing control...
Of the interest your supplying...
It's mortifying....

You better pay up...
'Coz I need a plan...
The IMF counts on you...

You better pay up...
You're in no man's land...
Defaulting can't be true...

You're the one who's in Debt, Oh, Oh, Oh,
You're the one who's in Debt!

The Truth Will Out

Soon, very soon, we will all know the full truth. Here are some gems to whet your appetite:

* He was a guest on Through The Keyhole. "Now who would live in a house like this?!"
* A great fan of Lady Gaga, 'Poker Face' was his mantra.
* He watched 'The Cave of Forgotten Dreams' over and over, nostalgically recollecting his time in Afghanistan.
* He had an addiction to Love Heart sweets, so much so that his henchmen spent countless hours trying to find his secret stash (hint: why was his beard so long?).
* Next to his bed was a well-thumbed copy of The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life.

more later

Revolting Times

North Africa revolts with some success in Egypt & Tunisia & some distress in Libya. And now the Middle East has followed suit. I look forward to the day all those Idiocracies tumble and a modicum of democracy rises. May the House of Saud dissolve into its foundations of sand. I especially look forward to the day women in these regions are allowed to vote. Perhaps they'll be given the chance to read next.

Until then it's important to remain ever vigilant against the threat of terrorism.
I was on the train yesterday when a voice over the Tannoy system urged us to report anything suspicious to the station attendant. So I did. I said I've got this weird mole right under my arm....

The Elephant in the Room

This is known in the business as an 'elephant door'. It is the enormous door to the hanger-size studio where sets are created for TV shows & movies.
I can tell you the door is large enough to accommodate two elephants standing on each other - or a pyramind of three elephants.
Just why it was decided that an elephant was quite the largest thing one had to move into a studio is beyond me.
Poor elephant.
Always regarded as the largest thing in the room.

Fly Tipping

Fly Tipping is illegal in the UK.
I tried it once.
It's very difficult.
First you have to land the fly.
Then you have to make it stay still - I found that hypnotism helps.
Once it's still it's very important that you apply just the necessary amount of pressure to just 'tip' the fly over. Too much and you send it careening into the furniture.
I got it wrong and sent the fly smack into the wall, where it stayed, squished.
Fly squishing is not illegal in the UK.
So I face no criminal charges.

A Rose By Any Other Name?

Why are footballers' wives or girlfriends called WAGs?
Surely it should be WOGs. Is that still a racist term?
My father was called a WOG when he first came to Britain.
They tried to justify it by saying it stood for: Worthy Oriental Gentleman.
I think it means anyone who isn't British - "The WOGs start at Calais!", because my father is about as Oriental as a tea cup... which actually originates in China....erm...

What's in a name? A lot actually.
If you called a rose a stink-bomb no-one would want to smell it in the first place.

So I guess WAG is quite apt. What wags? A tail. On a dog.